MY FIRST ENTRY. HERE IT GOES…

I’m finding it surprisingly difficult introducing myself to my reader. Most likely only a few closer friends and family members will ever read this first entry. They all know one thing or another about me. Some know me as someone’s wife or someone’s mother. Some know me as an easy going soft spoken team member, others as a smiling face greeting them early in the morning when they drop off their children at school. Still others have walked with me through some really heart wrenching life events and have seen me at my lowest points. None of it however really matters, because this is not going to be about me. For awhile now there has been a small voice inside me, first just a whisper, but with time it has become louder and more distinct, prompting me to share some of the treasures I have been privileged to gather on my life journey. To those of my friends who will read this and who share with me my passionate faith in God, the identity of this small voice will be clear right away. But of course, this is how we often hear God calling us to do something we do not feel ready to do, something right down terrifying. It took me awhile to finally answer this call, in big part because I instantly knew that it was going to require of me a great deal of transparency and vulnerability.

We don’t live in the kind of world which welcomes brutal honesty and transparency of heart. Just browse through your Facebook, which I’m sure you’ve already done several times today. I did, to my deep disappointment with myself, first thing in the morning. What greeted me was a galore of my Facebook friends displaying their perfect lives. Some of them were drinking their power smoothies on the way to the gym. Others were enjoying endless vacations on the most beautiful beaches this planet has to offer. Others were displaying their high achieving children in the midst of their straight A diplomas and sports trophies. What I didn’t see is one person saying “I’m hurting today”, or “Life really sucks for me right now.” Being honest this way would set us back, in a way, in this fierce competition for life success. It would make us feel lonely in our defeat. When we are young, we tend to plan out what our lives should look like in their different seasons. Noone ever writes heartbreak into their story line. It never occurs to us to plan for illness, or deep disappointment, job losses, financial hardship or our children making very poor choices.

I’m here to share in all honesty that I have been in a heart wrenching season of my life for what seems like a very long time. I’ve had my large share of dashed dreams and bitter disappointments. I’ve spent long nights crying my eyes out. I feel battered and exhausted from resisting the relentless and sustained pursuit the enemy of my soul has launched after me and my family. But there is one truth that continues to be confirmed to me through every day of this walk in the dark valley, and it is that I experience God with all my senses and on a much deeper level in times when things are difficult. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18). This Scripture has been displayed on my refrigerator door over the last few months for a good reason. It rings true to me. It is in those darkest moments when I feel God’s presence in the most tangible way. I have learned to listen for His small voice saying “I’m here with you, right in the middle of your pain, and I’m holding you.” It is interesting how uncommon it is for us, human beings, to learn anything from happy and predictable turn of events. We all want to enjoy our lives and by all means we should expect to. But to be truthful, we learn the most about God’s character in the hardest and most painful of circumstances, in the wilderness of life and in the fire. But we learn and mature even more when we allow ourselves to feel all the way to the bones, and when we invite God to be there with us, right in the center of our hurt, in the depths of our disappointment, anger or confusion. Only He is able to sort through the mess and separate the good from the bad, the junk from the treasure. And often, quite surprisingly, I am amazed with a new realization, that what I thought was affliction really was a gift. At first glance it doesn’t look like a gift, because it is wrapped in a greasy newspaper, but inside there is a treasure. So I’m learning to slow down, take a deep breath and let Jesus into all the aspects of my life that are hurting me right now. If I don’t, I may miss out on opportunities to learn the lessons which are infinitely significant but that may not come available ever again. I am given an opening to see God in a way I haven’t seen Him so far. It is a little like going on a challenging but very scenic hike. There are moments when our fatigue and muscle ache makes us regret that we ever thought it would be a good idea to set out on this adventure. We have to push through those toughest parts and lean on Jesus as we climb. Along the way we will arrive at the brief points of the hike where the views are breathtaking and soaking them in makes all the pain worth it. In those moments we are glad we pushed through. Each new view point gives us a different, even more scenic angle. The higher we go, the wider the angle of the picture. Each time the scenery becomes more complete, the higher the altitude, the more beautiful and rewarding our experience becomes.

God is doing something great in my life and yours. We must be brave to open our eyes under the water that seems to be swallowing us up. There is always a degree of mess in the studio of an artist. There are always piles of rubble in the construction zone of the future architectural wonder. We have to see the present mess in our lives for what it is, the work in progress. But we can only see it this way with the eyes of faith. Even though my family and I have been through a lot, I have unshakable faith that our present troubles are definitely not here to stay. Like all wilderness walks, they are only temporary. But I have to be careful not to stumble through this season with eyes shut and heart closed. I chose to open both my eyes and my heart, so I don’t miss any of the amazing, dramatic and heart pounding story my life is supposed to be. God is getting ready to part the waters and I want a front row seat when it happens. I will myself every day to live on the edge of my seat, wide-eyed and almost holding my breath with anticipation of the miracles He is going to do here and now, right in front of me and my loved ones. You say my expectations are too big? Well, I believe in a very, very big God. He hasn’t changed since the Red Sea and Jericho. We can’t contain Him in a well-designed non-offensive box our world approves of. If He is in charge, we must let Him be in charge of every area in which we live and breathe, every platform we stand on, every medium we hold in our hands. Letting go of control and allowing Him to drive is going to be the greatest adventure, both scary and awesome.

I have written this hoping that in some way it will resonate with at least one person who is going through something hard. Maybe it will encourage someone to ask herself some honest questions. Maybe it will inspire someone to share her own gold nuggets she has collected on her journey of faith. I know I will be sharing mine on these pages.

Afflicted but not crushed.