I used to have too much false humility to call myself an artist of any kind. I have been writing my whole life but never called  myself a writer. Likewise I never dared to think about myself as a creative person, even though creating is as natural to me as breathing. I do not have mad drawing skills and I am not that good with paints. But my creativity is channeled into what I  like to call redeeming art. I like to make beautiful and functional things out of old discarded objects which others found useless and threw away. I like to go treasure hunting in thrift stores and garage sales. I walk between the isles searching for pieces that have classic lines, things that used to be beautiful but  do not appear to be so any more. At least not to most eyes. I have trained my eyes to see the beauty with my mind’s imagination.

Sometimes I find an old, scratched up tray and immediately see past the damage to what it could still be if sanded down, painted, and used as a base for a winter centerpiece. Sometimes I see a beautiful glass container so dirty that it has been pushed to the very back of the bottom shelf. In my mind, it  becomes a beautiful terrarium filled with new life of green moss and a blooming orchid. These objects call out to me and ask to be given another chance, to be made beautiful again. But rarely is any of these thrift store finds beautiful or useful by itself. Only when restored and arranged into a composition with other such objects, can it draw an eye again with its complex and layered charm.

 I think that God makes art in the same way. I imagine that He goes treasure hunting to thrift stores, junk yards, and garage sales. He may even go dumpster diving. You never know what kind of valuable things people gave up on and threw away. He finds us after we were marked down to 99 cents and pushed to the back of the bottom shelf. He has to bend down low to find us there. He can see past the thick coat of dust and some missing pieces. He sees us for what we were  meant to be, for what we still could be. He gives us a good scrub and considers a fresh layer of paint. He can imagine us as a part of something beautiful and useful. He restores us to our original beauty and gives us an honored place once again. Yes, God is the kind of Artist who looks at his medium with keen imagination.

Sometimes creating something beautiful takes a very long time. A year and a half ago, I was given a cutting from a String of Pearls plant. My friend’s plant was full and luscious, and so I immediately envisioned how the new baby plant would fit into my kitchen window display when it gets more  mature. But this little plant has been taking a very long time to grow, and it is still far from being full enough and pretty enough to be used the way I intended. Still I am not about to give up on it. My vision for it is still alive. In my imagination, I see it cascading down the beautifully restored antique teapot. For now, I keep it in my writing nook where I can have an eye on it every day and give it what it needs. I have tried many remedies to help it grow. I care for it gently and expectantly understanding that some plants have to develop a strong root system before they can thrive above the soil level.

It is the same with some of us late bloomers. Sometimes our growth is not so obvious, not so measurable. People are eager to give up on us not seeing quick results. They cannot see that the very deep layers of our hearts need some transforming work to be done before we can bear tangible fruit from our transformation. But God gets it. He is patient and kind with us. He does not demand fruit when it is obviously not the season for it. Instead, He gently tends to us and waters us, and keeps us close, so He can give us all we need to grow roots. Because LOVE is patient and kind, LOVE never gives up, and never loses faith (1 Cor 13:4,7).

A friend of  mine is a skillful decorator. Her favorite style is somewhat modernized farmhouse where everything is beautifully streamlined, painted white and lightly distressed. It does create an appealing clean and cohesive look. I like it but only in small doses. Personally I hold the belief that not everything can be whitewashed. I have to be true to an object’s history, the heritage that lies beneath. Sometimes it is my own history on display. Other times, it is a mystery I can only guess or imagine. There is a beauty in an antique picture frame because it once held precious memories and was a witness to a family story. An old book to me is more than just an old book, for sometimes its pages are soaked with tears.

I have been decorating and creating this way intuitively, but I have to recognize that God has been teaching me all along about His ways of making beauty out of broken, forgotten, rejected, and the unfit. He is not the kind of Artist who goes to Pottery Barn and buys a brand new shiny vase for $49.99. He would much rather go treasure hunting. Restoring and repurposing is what He does best. He sees hidden beauty in everything the world throws away. He invests time and loving effort into making it shine again.

Most of us can  think of at least one time they were lost. For me, the event that comes to mind happened when I was 25. I freelanced as a translator for a publisher and I loved my job. One of the perks was that I was able to work at home or just anywhere I felt like. It was a beautiful early fall and I wanted to take my work outside to enjoy the nature and soak up the sunshine. So when a friend’s lake cabin became available, my friend Monique and I packed up our projects and set up camp at this beautiful location. After a couple of weeks of fun and work I finished  my translation. Since I needed to submit it for an edit, I took a bus to the city planning to return the same evening with food supplies for another week.

My plan would’ve worked perfectly if it didn’t just happen to be a holiday of some kind, and the buses ran on a different schedule. To make it all the way to the resort I needed to make a connection at a stop outside the city. I was horrified when I realized that there wouldn’t be another bus till next morning. Naturally it was long before we all carried cell phones and there wasn’t a public phone anywhere in sight. Feeling like I didn’t have another option I decided to hitch a ride. The very first vehicle stopped for me and I hopped in. Immediately I had all the tiny little hairs stand up on my neck. There were two guys in the truck and they kept giving me looks that made me very uncomfortable. They kept insisting that I should keep going with them as it wasn’t safe for a girl to be alone in the middle of nowhere. Everything in me just kept screaming to get out. I acted like I knew exactly where we were and recognized the landmarks. The truth was I had no idea where I was when I got out of the truck.

It was a cloudy, pitch dark night and all I could see was a country road and thick forest on each side of it. No street lights, no houses, not even moon light. Just total darkness and eerie silence. For a little while a sense of dread and hopelessness descended on me. I didn’t know how I was going to find my way to the cabin without as much as a flashlight. The only thing I could do was pray. I started singing my favorite songs of praise to the Audience of One. Soon unexplainable peace warmed  my heart. I didn’t feel unsafe anymore. I didn’t even feel lost for I told myself that God knew exactly where I was. If I wasn’t lost to Him, then I wasn’t lost at all.

Suddenly I felt someone’s presence and I stopped singing. Seconds later I saw a tall man approaching. In one hand he was holding a flashlight illuminating the ground, a leash in the other. Tied to the leash was a large dog. The man smiled and said: “You don’t belong here in the darkness. Can we walk you home?” For a reason I couldn’t explain I trusted this man as fully and completely as I didn’t trust the two men in the truck. People often call it a gut feeling. It was more than that. I was God’s peace.

Later when I was telling the story, I couldn’t remember what this man looked like, how we found our way through the woods to the cabin, or what the conversation was about. It was almost like the time it took to return to safety  was cut out from my memory. One moment I was standing in front of the man with the dog, next I was walking up to the well-lit porch and saw  relief on Monique’s face when she opened the door. We both wondered if I had just been in the presence of an angel. It’s very possible. I never saw this man or the dog again. But just as well it could’ve been a regular human being. One thing I am sure – whether an angel or a human, he was sent by God Himself to help me find the way.

That event impacted me greatly and I still sometimes think about it when I’m faced with fear and hardship. It reminds me that I’m never alone in the darkness. Even in the most adverse situation I can experience peace. It also taught me to always listen to the small still voice inside me. It’s so easy to miss or ignore when we don’t expect it. If you think that God is not in a habit of speaking to people any  more, you’d be wrong. But you won’t likely hear Him shouting at you. His voice is more like a whisper, hard to hear unless you tune out the noise competing for your attention.

In life it may feel sometimes like you lost your way. But you’re never really alone. Just look up and sing for the Audience of One.

 

 

Dear Son,

When my alarm sounded early this morning, the gentle sounds of birds overlaying serene piano melody, my thoughts went to you and how different your daily pre-dawn wakeup call must be. “Lights! Lights!” shout the drill instructors running down the squad bay past eighty five beds, banging on metal garbage cans. “Get out of the racks! Get on the line!” Immediately wide awake, you stumble around to put on your socks and you straighten up in attention just in time to count down. From this moment for the next 16 hours you’ll be pushed hard, physically and mentally, all the way seemingly past your limits and abilities. You’ll have to be on high alert all day, not knowing when the next challenge will be thrown at you.

Day after day it’ll be your drill instructor’s one and only job to break you down and to make you believe that as an individual you are useless, and have nothing to offer to the Marine Corps and to your country. You’ll only be of any worth if you become a fully integrated part of a seamless unit, a living, breathing, fighting machine. Time after time you’ll be in the infamous sand pit doing countless pull-ups and push-ups, until the muscles in your entire body tremble and you can’t keep yourself from throwing up. All you’ll be allowed to say is “Yes sir!” No other words will ever leave your mouth.

My heart aches when I think about your pain, and I pray that your spirit will not be broken. Within it your true strength lies. You’ll have to dig very deep to tap into it. At times it will seem like there is nothing left in you. You’ll be at the end of yourself numerous times. You’ll feel like a lone tree bending under strong winds. One might expect it to break and collapse any minute. But the severity of the storm will only make its roots grow stronger. It will not break. It will become more grounded.

Our Christian walk is a lot like boot camp. We arrive with all kinds of baggage from our past life which we lived in the flesh. It will do us no good to hold on to it. We are asked to surrender, to lay down everything near and dear to our heart. And finally we are asked to die to ourselves.  Only then can we truly live. And we’d better hold on for the ride!

I consider myself a strong and resilient person, but despite this, I am acutely aware that my individual strength will eventually fail me. It is just not enough. I need my strength to be rooted and derived from the Lord’s mighty and abundant power. This power is not subject to illness, circumstances, weather conditions, mood, or the way people choose to treat me. This is not the kind of strength which can be replenished with a little extra sleep and a hearty meal. Neither is it something that can be earned. It is free and, like fresh water in a well, it is always there, ready to be drawn on at any time. You have to go and get it, but you don’t have to go far. Then you get to drink and be refreshed, and your stamina restored. It never runs out. Its source is deep. There is no limit to how much you can have. Sometimes we take this strength for granted. Other times we take credit for what it accomplished. But the harder our life circumstances become, the more we realize that we just can’t do without it.

Son, on my life journey, I’ve been to the end of myself and my own resources many times. Finding yourself there can be really scary but this is where God’s mighty power kicks in. When invited, divine strength replaces human weakness. When you find yourself in those impossible situations, and you have nothing left in the tank to keep going, you need to choose to step on the ROCK and stand confidently. In the middle of your weakness, you will be supported by God’s strength to get you through the storm. It’s because the Lord is never too far to catch you when you start falling. He walks with you, so close that you can lean on Him when you feel too weak to go on.

There were times when in my darkest of darkness I called out “Lord! Where are you? I need you now!” But then I realized that He’s never been further than a whisper away. He heard every groan of my weary heart and He saw my tears. The fact that I’m still walking along this path called life is because He’s been holding me up.

The same strength and power is there for you too. It’s okay to admit your weakness and even your fears. But you don’t have to be there alone. You’ll never know the true meaning of victory unless you have tasted defeat. You can’t say you are brave if you haven’t known fear. Likewise, you know nothing about true strength unless you have felt powerless.

It is because of this strength, you will get through the challenge, and you will earn the title of the United States Marine. You will wear the uniform with pride and dignity because you were willing to be broken, and then built up again. Until then, however great the challenge you will face next, remember that the Lord is greater. “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless” (Is 40:29). When you are weak, He is strong, and you can do everything through Christ, who gives you strength. So the next time you find yourself having to climb a mile high wall, and the word “impossible” starts forming in your mind, think instead:”All things are possible for those who believe!” (Mark 9:23).

Hold on to the words which bring life, words which carry strength, and words which give birth to hope.

Living them out is true power. When you leave your comfort zone and resist the fear of failure, you will make room for the divine. When you tap into the inherent strength which was poured into you by the Almighty God Himself, His power will be manifested in your life.

But remember, son, you can’t give God half of your heart and half of your soul. You can’t surrender only some of your life. When you seek Him, you have to pursue Him with all you have. Put your entire heart into it. Lay down what you can’t keep and you’ll gain what you can’t lose. Live for Him with passion and intensity which burns like a fire. This is the best way to be alive, because “His faithful love endures forever”. (**)

I’m always here for you with my love and support,

MoM (Mother of Marine)

*SEMPER FIDELIS – Latin phrase that means “always faithful”. In the United States it is best known as the motto of the US Marine Corps.

** “His faithful love endures forever” – a phrase I found in the Scriptures 42 times. Hence, “the original Semper Fidelis”.

 

² There was no water for the people to drink at that place, so they rebelled against Moses and Aaron. ³ The people blamed Moses and said, “If only we had died in the Lord’s presence with our brothers! ⁴ Why have you brought the congregation of the Lord’s people into this wilderness to die, along with all our livestock? ⁵ Why did you make us leave Egypt and bring us here to this terrible place? This land has no grain, no figs, no grapes, no pomegranates, and no water to drink!”

⁶ Moses and Aaron turned away from the people and went to the entrance of the Tabernacle, where they fell face down on the ground. Then the glorious presence of the Lord appeared to them, ⁷ and the Lord said to Moses, ⁸ “You and Aaron must take the staff and assemble the entire community. As the people watch, speak to the rock over there, and it will pour out its water. You will provide enough water from the rock to satisfy the whole community and their livestock.”

⁹ So Moses did as he was told. He took the staff from the place where it was kept before the Lord. ¹⁰ Then he and Aaron summoned the people to come and gather at the rock. “Listen, you rebels!” he shouted. “Must we bring you water from this rock?” ¹¹ Then Moses raised his hand and struck the rock twice with the staff, and water gushed out. So the entire community and their livestock drank their fill.

¹² But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust me enough to demonstrate my holiness to the people of Israel, you will not lead them into the land I am giving them!” ¹³ This place was known as the waters of Meribah (which means “arguing”) because there the people of Israel argued with the Lord, and there he demonstrated his holiness among them.

Numbers 20:2-13 (NLT)

How hopeless must the people have felt as they looked around the wilderness of Zion! As far as their eyes could reach they saw nothing but rocks and scorched ground. The hot sun baking their skin reminded them that there was no shade or water anywhere in sight. Their water jugs had been empty for a while. Their children were weak and lethargic from dehydration. There was fear and worry in the eyes of the women as they looked at their husbands searching their faces for hope. Was this harsh desert going to become their grave? Not even trees and vegetation could survive in this dry and rocky plain. How then could two million people with livestock survive? Their doubt and disillusion turned into anger directed toward the men who led them out into the desert where they found themselves trapped and without a viable solution in sight.

It only took one person to speak up. Soon they sat in groups and fueled their anger with each other’s bitter words. There was no stopping the riot. Who could they unload their anger, fear, and bitter disappointment on? Moses and Aaron were the ones who said “come out of Egypt and the Lord will give you the land of milk and honey”.

Milk and honey, you say?! How about dust, unbearable heat, dry mouth and exhaustion! They felt cheated. Didn’t the Lord make a promise to them through Moses? Then it was Moses who had to be blamed for their predicament. Who needed the kind of leader who would take the entire nation, men, women, children and livestock, out in the desert to die of exposure and starvation?

“Why did you make us leave Egypt and bring us here to this terrible place?!” they shouted. “No grain, no figs, no grapes, no pomegranates! And no water to drink! And where is this promise land?!” They couldn’t unleash their rage on God who couldn’t be seen, so they let it out on their leader who could very much be seen.

What was going on in Moses’ head while the angry mob confronted him in this loud and aggressive way? One wrong move on his part, one empty promise could’ve escalated the situation and taken it completely out of control. Did he worry for his safety and the safety of his brother Aaron? Or maybe he was just as lost and confused as the rest of them.

It seemed like yesterday that he had heard the Lord’s voice loud and clear. Still fresh in his memory were the epic signs and wonders the Lord of Israel had performed through Moses’ outstretched staff. The plagues had descended on Egypt bud hadn’t touched the children of Israel. The waters of the Red Sea had parted and allowed this huge number of God’s people to cross safely, but they had swallowed the chariots and the men pursuing them.

Was that just a dream? Did it really happen? Miraculous events like that would surely still be fresh in the memory of every person who witnessed them. But they seemed not to remember. They forgot how God had stepped in and helped them over and over again, even in the most impossible circumstances.

And so they rebelled and spoke words of unbelief again and again. The people had short memory and short fuses. Their patience wore out long before their shoes did. They kept saying, “Is this what we left the comforts of Egypt for?” They forgot the oppression they had suffered from the hands of Pharaoh. They forgot that in Egypt they had not been land owners but slaves whose lives were disposable. They forgot their babies who the soldiers of Pharaoh had drowned in the waters of the Nile. Their selective memory could only recall that there was food in Egypt for them to eat.

So they grumbled. And they whined. They assigned blame and showed contempt toward Moses and Aaron.

What Moses and Aaron did in face of the threat is noteworthy. The Scripture tells us that they “turned away from the people and went to the entrance of the Tabernacle, where they fell face down to the ground”. If it were me, it would have been more tempting to try to defend myself. I would probably have searched my mind for a quick and pointed response to the crowd’s accusations. Moses would have been justified in addressing them harshly and reminding them how Yahweh had stood up for him in the past to assert his chosen position as the leader. But it is not what Moses and Aaron chose to do. They chose to humble themselves before the Lord who they knew as powerful and able to come through for them and the rest of His people, like He had done many times in the past.

We were not told in this passage if any words at all came out their mouths. They chose to convey their hearts’ submission and reliance on the Lord by assuming the prostrate position before Him. They repented for the people’s and their own doubt and unbelief. They did what the others were not willing to do – bring Yahweh the problem they couldn’t solve themselves, along with all the confusion, exhaustion, hurt, thirst and doubt.

God is big enough to handle our doubt. He is secure enough to handle our anger, as long as it is Him who we come venting to. As long as we are humble, honest and transparent.

God’s response to Moses was what it had always been. He gave His provision. He said: I’ve got this one. It’s not up to you to solve this impossible situation. I will do a miracle among you again. You will see something amazing again. I’m here for you, and I always will be. There’s nothing I can’t do on your behalf. I alone will make this happen. Here’s your part. All you need to do is to go get the staff and bring the people together. You are going to tell the rock to give you water. Not a drop of water. Not a streak of water. Enough water to quench the thirst of two million people and their livestock. No biggy. And, by the way, I want you to have this little chat with the rock while the people are watching you.

I chuckle when I wonder what Moses was thinking when he was trying to process the unorthodox instructions the Almighty God had just handed to him. “Okay, Lord, how about door number 2? Maybe, with all due respect, Lord, there is a less ridiculous scenario we could go with”. I bet that the entire time it took Aaron to assemble the community in front of the rock, Moses was struggling with his own doubt and insecurity. Great leaders are not immune to those. “So what will happen, if I talk to the rock, and let’s just say that the rock will act the way rocks do? WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS?”

I know this feeling on a very intimate level. I’m just a regular person, who’s had to push through my own doubt and insecurity often in my own faith walk. “What if God doesn’t come through for me, after I throw all my chips on Him? What if my fervent prayers remain unanswered after I publicly take my stance? What if after I have put my trust in my God’s ability to provide for my needs, they will remain unprovided for? What if the Lord remains silent after I have declared that He still speaks to us?”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a quick peek behind each door before we pick the one to walk through? We are all afraid of looking foolish and being found without answers. People of faith have been forever called narrow- minded bigots and been accused of committing intellectual suicide. Some of us are afraid of public embarrassment more than death itself.

I’ll take a  risk here in saying that I suspect countless believers every day shrink away from expressing their faith because of these little words: WHAT IF…

How many of us have the strength of faith to overcome those two little words which are also the heaviest ones of all dictionaries? They are the entry way to the hidden world of insecurity and pride.

Because of those two little words, we see Moses departing from the exact instructions he received from the Lord. The scenario of speaking to the rock and nothing happening, which he allowed his mind to replay again and again, was just too frightening. Here was the man of God who had struck the water of the Red Sea and the water parted creating a dry path for the people to walk across. But here, faced with the opposition from the same people with the short memory loss, his own memory became somewhat foggy. He couldn’t allow himself to look like a fool when his leadership was already under so much scrutiny. In a single moment, a solution came to him, and he went with it. He would both do what the Lord told him to do – draw the water out of the rock, and save face at the same time, in case no water comes out.

“Listen, you rebels!” he shouted, sudden harshness masking his own shakiness. “Must we bring you water from this rock?” He raised his hand and struck the rock twice with the staff, and water gushed out.

The intended outcome still took place. The entire community and their animals drank their fill. God was faithful, even when Moses was not. In this instance, Moses didn’t trust God to come through. The promise sounded just a little too outlandish to him. You can’t just tell a rock to give you water! Utter nonsense!

Do you see yourself in Moses? I sure do. Countless times I kept silent about my deep convictions and about the hope that keeps me going, for fear of being labeled as one of those “narrow minded” people who need religion as a crutch. Even if the opposite is true.  As much as religion may sometimes be a crutch to some, the true living and thriving faith is neither a crutch, nor is it a place to hide. If your faith has a heartbeat, it will call you out to do things you never thought yourself capable of doing. It will ask you to take big risks and to walk some very treacherous paths. If you and I really trust God to protect us and to provide for us, we will not shrink into self-preservation mode. Instead, we will speak the words we believe are true and we will act on them, even if this is going to make us some formidable enemies.

If we thought, when we first gave our hearts to Christ, that the Christian life would be a walk in the park, we were wrong. I’m sorry. I said it. But there is nothing park-like in having to go against the current all of your life. On my journey, I’ve had many trials by which the sincerity of my faith has been tested. It still is being tested, and I hope that it will prove to be genuine as gold which goes through the refining fire and none of its value is lost in the process. All that falls off in the fire are the impurities.

On your journey you will walk through a desert from time to time. Most of the walk will be up hill, so you will need to train for endurance. The further down the road you go, the more opposition you will face. It’s not always going to be easy or pretty, but there’s nothing you can’t face and get through with the One who made you the promise that you will never be alone. In the end, it will be worth it. You will enter your promise land.

Moses didn’t trust the Lord on that day by the rock, and he lost something precious. But his relationship with God was never in question. The Lord continued to speak to him and trusted him with many more messages, which Moses faithfully conveyed to the people. He was called God’s friend. He and the Lord were tight. They had an honest relationship where communication flew freely. His moment of weakness was not the end of it. It was a lesson that was learned and became a building block for greater progress, as it should be between friends.

None of the Bible heroes were perfect. They all, without exception other than Jesus, made mistakes, committed appalling sins, hurt others, failed to be faithful time and time again. But despite of all this, they were God’s instruments to do some pretty amazing things. Since none of us is perfect, or even worthy, God has perfected the art of using flawed people. How comforting is this!

My application and my prayer today is that the next time I find myself standing by a silent rock, with people’s eyes on me, I will not let the “what-ifs” take away from the glory of God and His desire to work through me. Faith takes courage and it is never afraid to take sides. Self-preservation will only make you lukewarm. Neither hot or cold. Without consequence. Without influence. Without platform.

 

I have long given up on new year’s resolutions. I used to, like  most people, wake up on January 1st and feel unsatisfied with my achievements and habits in the previous year. I would then make some new resolutions about what I needed to do differently. I had the greatest intentions. I seemed to have clarity and vision. I felt very capable of making the changes which would make my life successful, happy and rewarding. I told myself it would just require a little discipline and will power. Surely I had enough of that! But it didn’t take too long for me to start falling into the same old traps, running out of steam, and losing faith in myself.

As an older and more seasoned person, I understand now that it’s not faith in myself and my own will power that I need. And there’s nothing particularly game changing about the first day of the calendar year. I have taken a dramatically different approach in the last few years, because they have been very challenging years, with lots of adversity and a  fair amount of heartbreak. For a while I lost an ability to look very far ahead and see positive things. I was walking in a dense fog while earth was eroding under my feet and rocks were falling on top of me from all over. It really felt like this. During that time I developed one great habit. And it wasn’t because I had great discipline, but because I didn’t feel like I had any. I started walking up at 5 am every day before work and seeking the Lord through His Word and prayer. My heart’s aching need drove me. I needed this time more than I needed food or even sleep. I was weak and I was falling apart. Some of those dark winter mornings all I could do was just sit there crying and pouring my heart to the Father. I showed up every morning and asked for strength for just one day. I couldn’t see beyond one day. And so my most life saving habit was born out of weakness, not strength or self-discipline. The Word of God I was allowing to penetrate my soul each day have become daily shot of nutrition. This regular dose of light started to illuminate the dark compartments in my heart and the healing started to happen. There, in my meeting place my hope was growing stronger.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whos spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18). These words have become my own reality. I could sense that I wasn’t alone in my most gut wrenching moments. Had I relied on my own strength to get me through those difficult times, I would have fallen on my face. Had I trusted in myself, the world’s greatest and smartest or savviest of people, or any kind of 7-step-program-to-a-better-you, I most likely wouldn’t be where I am today. On my wild ride through life, I learned to trust God without holding anything back. He kept me sane. He kept me humble. And little by little I started to get my fire back.

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” (Isaiah 43:19). I read this Scripture this morning and it occurred to me that it isn’t just for January 1st. It is for every day. Every day is a new opportunity to embrace God’s dreams for us and open up to the ways He wants us to be a part of His much bigger story. I am looking at some scattered puzzle pieces of my life. They look kind of obscure and I’m not sure how they will fit, but I have faith that they will eventually fit in a beautiful way. I also know that God already sees the final product and He likes it! If there’s anything He wants from me, it’s certainly not my strength or will power. It’s my availability and willingness to say “I’m in. I want to be a part of this epic story You are writing”.

Having said all this, I am waking up to the year 2017 in the same way I wake up to every new day – with the anticipation of a new chapter God wants to write into my life and lives of those I love. All I want is a front seat in His book club.

Undisciplined but faithful.

 

 

 

“She’s just a girl…”, reflects the beautiful song by Brandon Heath, “Does she even know, that she’s just changed the world?” As I listen, wrapping my Christmas presents, I can’t help but picture this quiet humble girl who said a simple word -yes, and the story of this universe has changed forever.

“The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.”… “Mary responded: ‘I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” (Luke 2:35.38)

Oh how I want to get into Mary’s head right now. She might have been just a girl, but she’s really so much more. She’s a  main character in this story of love told countless times, and yet she only has a few simple lines in this script. It’s not what she said but what she didn’t say that jumped out for me from the pages of the story. “But Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often” (Luke2:19). This little bit of information is oddly tacked in between the account of the angels singing and shepherds rushing off with excitement eager to spread the wonderful news of what just had happened. What they had witnessed was too extraordinary, too wonderful to keep to themselves. But not Mary. She just treasured and pondered all the wonderful events and interactions deep in her heart. She certainly wasn’t just a girl to the One who chose her. What made her special? It’s obvious that God didn’t choose her for her ability to speak, write or effectively spread the word. Maybe it was that quiet, gentle spirit, the ability to keep things deep within her heart, that made her the chosen mother of the Savior. There isn’t much on the pages of the gospels about what Mary did, and even less about what she said. She was happy in the background, behind the scene, with the catering crew. She was fulfilled to be given a chance to serve and respond to a need, like she did at the wedding where the host ran out of wine. Here in the manger, she was happy to just take it all in. The wonder of the  moment, the tender new life she was holding in her arms, the radiant faces of all the people who came to see the newborn King. She never felt a need to say: “Look what happened here today!” She left this to others. She just pondered. She would not forget a thing.

If Mary kept a journal, I would give anything to be able to read it. I wish I could have even a glimpse of her ponderings and her sweet conversations with the Almighty God. She must have been something special in her heart to be hand picked by Him. She believed the impossible. She accepted the unexplainable. She surrendered her life and her fate, even if it meant being put at risk of being shamed, rejected or even killed. In her culture there would have been no excuse for a pregnancy outside of marriage. She trusted God in the face of this enormous risk and gave herself entirely, without reservation. Was there any fear or anxiety in her? Did she hesitate? We don’t see it from the Bible account. She responds: “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” These are the precious words. They reflect the attitude of heart and the purity of her faith. She didn’t need time to process all that was said to her, weigh the risk, or work up her courage. Courage came instantly from knowing God personally, having been in the relationship with Him.  She knew right there that her destiny was revealed to her and there was only one response – yes.

I don’t have Mary’s journal, but I do see her in a handful of short accounts. She didn’t crave the lime light. She didn’t ask for attention of any kind. She never assumed that she would became a star of the greatest story ever told. Her eyes were entirely on her Son. Always. And all the way to the cross. Her very few words that were recorded always pointed to Him.

When I read Bible stories and when I’m touched by them in a personal way, I usually ask myself: “What is my application?” Just something I learned early on in my Christian life and what always served me well on this faith walk of mine. I want to take something away from my encounter with Mary. I love her humble and quiet spirit. I can identify with the way she treasured deep in her heart all the lessons she was learning while taking her place in the middle of the miracle of all  miracles. I tend to do internalize things like Mary did. But unlike Mary, I have something else that was given to me for a purpose. I am holding a pen. I always have, as long as I remember. It’s a tool that has been fashioned for my hand. It takes me to the platform that was prepared for me. Mary said “yes” when it most mattered. What I hope to do is to also say “yes”, when I am asked not to keep things to myself, even if there is a risk in speaking my heart. Her confidence in the Lord allowed  her to abandon all self-preservation. I want the same kind of confidence two thousand some years later. Who knows, perhaps it will help to change the outcome for someone when they find themselves at the fork in the road.

We all are holding something in our hands which was given to us in order to change our world. For some of us it’s a paint brush, for others a computer, yet others have a gavel and their platform is a court room. What are you holding in your hand? What is your platform? And will you say “yes” when your turn comes to change the world in which you live?

Introverted but not silent.

 

 

 

 

“But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord…I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.” (1 Samuel 1:15-16)

{To fully get the best understanding of this post, reading of 1Samuel 1-2 is recommended.}

Hanna came as she was, broken and discouraged. She didn’t waste time putting on a good face. She didn’t try to pull herself together. She didn’t try to talk herself out of the way she was really feeling inside. She had grounds on which she could have found a way to console herself. Isn’t it exactly what had she been doing for years? After all, her husband still loved her. Year after year Peninnah, her sister wife, gave her husband a child. Hanna kept hoping. The more children Peninnah bore, the more superior and unkind she had become toward Hannah. She taunted her and humiliated her. Her husband didn’t do very much in her defense. He didn’t really understand the aching whole in her heart. Year after year he tried to brush off her growing feelings of despair by saying: “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me – isn’t it better than having ten sons?” Elkanah obviously hadn’t read “Five Easy Steps to Comfort Your Wife”. He considered himself such a gift to women, that just being married to him should have been enough for any woman to be completely fulfilled. Poor Elkanah, he would have been so embarrassed if at some point he actually understood how very little his platitudes comforted Hannah. To his defense, he did take care of her and didn’t send her away, like some could have done in his times, just because she was unable to produce heirs for him.

Hannah felt deep anguish because her inability to have children. The world contemporary to her placed woman’s value on her standing within her family, especially on her ability to give birth to children. No women were doctors, activists or globe trotting relief workers who found their fulfillment in their work or life mission. Hannah felt that her calling in life was to become a mother. Ironically this was the one thing she couldn’t have. Her feeling of inadequacy resulted in emotional distress. It’s in this moment of acute heartache that we are given the privilege to first meet her. In Samuel 1, the window to her soul suddenly opens for us and we see her raw, unfiltered emotions. I have to admit that as I was reading these verses, I felt entirely unworthy of this gift of looking at this woman’s very private moment with God. But I was also profoundly grateful for the opportunity to learn something from her. We see Hannah going to the Temple, the only place she knew to go to be heard. She didn’t go there to talk to the priest. She wasn’t even aware of the fact that the Temple priest, Eli, was sitting in his customary place watching her. She clearly went there, to the place which represented God to her, so she could pour her heart out to Him. We are not told whether she stood or knelt, whether she covered her head or folded her hands. The only words describing Hannah in this moment refer to the posture of her heart. And it is a thing of beauty! We were told she was in deep anguish and crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. I can only imagine the Lord lowering Himself to embrace her with tenderness and compassion. I wonder if she could feel His presence. She knew that there was no help for her apart from the Almighty God she believed in all her life, but now she took a step to really trust Him with her heart. She was reeling from her bitter disappointments and she couldn’t contain her grief anymore. Something about her raw emotion, her unrefined presentation of herself, her abandoning of acceptable public image, drew me to her. I’m certain that God’s heart was drawn to her as well and He met with her in this moment, exactly where she was, the way she was. The Lord was pleased with her, even if the priest thought she was a hot mess. She was so transparent in her emotions, that Eli thought she was drunk. It made me think immediately about the other time in the Bible the believers were accused of being drunk. It happened on the Day of Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit filled them for the first epic time. They were not in control of themselves anymore. Likewise, Hannah’s heart took over while she prayed. The moment she came to God as her authentic self, without a mask or regard for what others might think of her, the magic happened.

God meets with us at the point of raw honesty, true dependence on Him, desire to be near Him. This is where real intimacy happens, but it has to start with us presenting to Him our authentic hearts. He doesn’t need us to be put together neatly. He doesn’t care if we are presentable and if we choose fancy words. I dare to say that He doesn’t even need any words from us. Just the fact that we come and want to be near to Him and that we present our hearts however broken and mangled they may be is enough to invoke His compassion and response. Hannah had to explain herself to Eli, out of respect for his priestly position, but she didn’t have to explain herself to her God. He was entirely pleased with her. I am certain that even before Eli finally comprehended what was taking place there, and gave Hannah her blessing, God had already poured out His healing on her.

I can’t help but make some game changing observations about the nature and focus of faith Hannah displayed through her prayer and her attitude. She did not at all presume that her faith or righteous life had earned her any favor. It wasn’t the size of her faith that made a difference it was the size of her God that did. She approached God as “the Lord of Heaven’s Armies”, as if she was heading into a battle. She obviously needed His great power on her side. Yes, she was crushed and weakened with her opponents constant ridicule and shaming. In herself she, no doubt, felt small and unworthy. But she never lost sight of how big and powerful her God was. It was in this kind of great power, not her own abilities or credits, that she chose to trust her life and her future. Her faith is demonstrated to us in verse 18, where we read that, “She went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.” Her honest and relational prayer changed her. Was she realistically 100% sure that she would now have a son? I’m inclined to believe that it was a different kind of assurance that she walked away with. I dare to think that this new encounter she had with God gave her confidence that no matter what happened, she could trust Him.

As we draw closer to God and make our relationship with Him “the first thing” in our lives, we gain a new perspective of circumstances and events surrounding us. We begin to see things with His eyes. We slowly start to understand His heart, and all that that used to be “the first thing” in our lives is not “the first thing” anymore. Knowing God becomes “the first thing”, and we start to realize that regardless of what the outcome of our current circumstances, we can trust Him.

Hannah’s prayer of praise in chapter 2 is the testament of her renewed relationship with the Lord. She knows His character now. She knows Him not only as the Almighty Powerful God she first had come to seek, but as a defender of the poor and humble, those who have been wronged and humiliated. As a woman whose fate had been flipped up side down, she gives all credit to God. This previously barren woman, who is now the mother of seven, does not elevate herself and does not become haughty like Peninnah. She praises God for turning her life around and for every blessing He has given her. She testifies that the Lord has made her strong. He has become her Rock. She desired children and the children were given to her. But she didn’t stand on her ability to bare children to build her new position in society. She stood entirely on God, her Rock. He was the One who made her strong, with or without children. Could it be that from the very beginning of the story God was using her aching need to bring her closer to Him? Could it be that He knew all along that her suffering would become a springboard which would eventually allow her to fly the moment she entrusted her heart to Him. God’s intention was not to withhold any good thing from His child, but for her to be compelled to finally come to Him. Her brokenness drove her to seek God and the relationship resulting from it was of more value than the gift she asked for.

I have learned so much from Hannah and I thank God that He wrote her character into His Book. In my own faith walk, her story has helped me to become more honest and authentic, which allows me to experience God in a new way. Each day of this faith walk is a new opportunity to trust Him with circumstances of my life which overwhelm me and cause my heart to ache. My alarm clock goes off very early in the morning, not because I am such a good little Christian, but because I am weak and I need to be made strong by the only person who can do it. I have grown to look forward to this precious time of “coming near” the God of the universe who also, shockingly enough, comes near me, the simple woman in need. How humbling and awesome is this! Hannah taught me that it does not take  gigantic faith to start seeing miracles in our lives. In only takes faith in a gigantic God.

Distressed but not forgotten.

I’m finding it surprisingly difficult introducing myself to my reader. Most likely only a few closer friends and family members will ever read this first entry. They all know one thing or another about me. Some know me as someone’s wife or someone’s mother. Some know me as an easy going soft spoken team member, others as a smiling face greeting them early in the morning when they drop off their children at school. Still others have walked with me through some really heart wrenching life events and have seen me at my lowest points. None of it however really matters, because this is not going to be about me. For awhile now there has been a small voice inside me, first just a whisper, but with time it has become louder and more distinct, prompting me to share some of the treasures I have been privileged to gather on my life journey. To those of my friends who will read this and who share with me my passionate faith in God, the identity of this small voice will be clear right away. But of course, this is how we often hear God calling us to do something we do not feel ready to do, something right down terrifying. It took me awhile to finally answer this call, in big part because I instantly knew that it was going to require of me a great deal of transparency and vulnerability.

We don’t live in the kind of world which welcomes brutal honesty and transparency of heart. Just browse through your Facebook, which I’m sure you’ve already done several times today. I did, to my deep disappointment with myself, first thing in the morning. What greeted me was a galore of my Facebook friends displaying their perfect lives. Some of them were drinking their power smoothies on the way to the gym. Others were enjoying endless vacations on the most beautiful beaches this planet has to offer. Others were displaying their high achieving children in the midst of their straight A diplomas and sports trophies. What I didn’t see is one person saying “I’m hurting today”, or “Life really sucks for me right now.” Being honest this way would set us back, in a way, in this fierce competition for life success. It would make us feel lonely in our defeat. When we are young, we tend to plan out what our lives should look like in their different seasons. Noone ever writes heartbreak into their story line. It never occurs to us to plan for illness, or deep disappointment, job losses, financial hardship or our children making very poor choices.

I’m here to share in all honesty that I have been in a heart wrenching season of my life for what seems like a very long time. I’ve had my large share of dashed dreams and bitter disappointments. I’ve spent long nights crying my eyes out. I feel battered and exhausted from resisting the relentless and sustained pursuit the enemy of my soul has launched after me and my family. But there is one truth that continues to be confirmed to me through every day of this walk in the dark valley, and it is that I experience God with all my senses and on a much deeper level in times when things are difficult. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18). This Scripture has been displayed on my refrigerator door over the last few months for a good reason. It rings true to me. It is in those darkest moments when I feel God’s presence in the most tangible way. I have learned to listen for His small voice saying “I’m here with you, right in the middle of your pain, and I’m holding you.” It is interesting how uncommon it is for us, human beings, to learn anything from happy and predictable turn of events. We all want to enjoy our lives and by all means we should expect to. But to be truthful, we learn the most about God’s character in the hardest and most painful of circumstances, in the wilderness of life and in the fire. But we learn and mature even more when we allow ourselves to feel all the way to the bones, and when we invite God to be there with us, right in the center of our hurt, in the depths of our disappointment, anger or confusion. Only He is able to sort through the mess and separate the good from the bad, the junk from the treasure. And often, quite surprisingly, I am amazed with a new realization, that what I thought was affliction really was a gift. At first glance it doesn’t look like a gift, because it is wrapped in a greasy newspaper, but inside there is a treasure. So I’m learning to slow down, take a deep breath and let Jesus into all the aspects of my life that are hurting me right now. If I don’t, I may miss out on opportunities to learn the lessons which are infinitely significant but that may not come available ever again. I am given an opening to see God in a way I haven’t seen Him so far. It is a little like going on a challenging but very scenic hike. There are moments when our fatigue and muscle ache makes us regret that we ever thought it would be a good idea to set out on this adventure. We have to push through those toughest parts and lean on Jesus as we climb. Along the way we will arrive at the brief points of the hike where the views are breathtaking and soaking them in makes all the pain worth it. In those moments we are glad we pushed through. Each new view point gives us a different, even more scenic angle. The higher we go, the wider the angle of the picture. Each time the scenery becomes more complete, the higher the altitude, the more beautiful and rewarding our experience becomes.

God is doing something great in my life and yours. We must be brave to open our eyes under the water that seems to be swallowing us up. There is always a degree of mess in the studio of an artist. There are always piles of rubble in the construction zone of the future architectural wonder. We have to see the present mess in our lives for what it is, the work in progress. But we can only see it this way with the eyes of faith. Even though my family and I have been through a lot, I have unshakable faith that our present troubles are definitely not here to stay. Like all wilderness walks, they are only temporary. But I have to be careful not to stumble through this season with eyes shut and heart closed. I chose to open both my eyes and my heart, so I don’t miss any of the amazing, dramatic and heart pounding story my life is supposed to be. God is getting ready to part the waters and I want a front row seat when it happens. I will myself every day to live on the edge of my seat, wide-eyed and almost holding my breath with anticipation of the miracles He is going to do here and now, right in front of me and my loved ones. You say my expectations are too big? Well, I believe in a very, very big God. He hasn’t changed since the Red Sea and Jericho. We can’t contain Him in a well-designed non-offensive box our world approves of. If He is in charge, we must let Him be in charge of every area in which we live and breathe, every platform we stand on, every medium we hold in our hands. Letting go of control and allowing Him to drive is going to be the greatest adventure, both scary and awesome.

I have written this hoping that in some way it will resonate with at least one person who is going through something hard. Maybe it will encourage someone to ask herself some honest questions. Maybe it will inspire someone to share her own gold nuggets she has collected on her journey of faith. I know I will be sharing mine on these pages.

Afflicted but not crushed.